Procrastinations…

I almost had to see my own grade getting ripped off today – thanks to all the procrastinating I’ve been doing.

I don’t get myself sometimes. I’m such a lazy ass when it comes to doing my own work. I keep telling myself that everything’s gonna turn out fine in the end so just CHILL and RELAX and wait for things to happen. But no one can do your work for you, Janine. You need to pick your ass up and do it yourself!

Lately, I realised that I’ve been spending money like water. Not on fashion or extravagant items but on little things like food, transportation etc. It sucks to know that your ATM account has been depleting like mad when it’s not even the end of the month. I need MORE MONEY!~

Also, I really want to learn driving and drive my own car. LOL! Public transportation is screwing my life up. But aiyo, can’t do anything without the $$$ and time. I’m so busy with stuff right now I feel like splitting myself up just so that there’ll be two ‘Janine’s to share the load.

Insomnia, insomnia. I keep waking up in the middle of the night for nothing. Too much chiong-ing and too many short naps taken, so much so that my body forgot how it feels like to have a long and good night’s sleep. I keep waking up every few hours. Urgh.

Well, life’s been really busy but ARGHHH!!! I shouldn’t be complaining because I’m given some really awesome opportunities to do things that I never dreamt about doing at all. Sometimes I really doubt whether I really deserve to be given such chances and whether I can live up to all that expectations.

Sometimes, life is all about expectations that you or the people around you have on yourself and how you deal with it. Would you strive your best to JUST live up to other people’s expectations or would you give it your best because you really want to?

It works both way for me, I guess. I honestly want to treasure these rare opportunities that are presented to me and prove to myself and everyone around me that I can do it. Besides that, I don’t want to disappoint the people who gave me this chance to do things that I never once thought I’ll be given a chance to.

Whatever it is, I just have to KEEP FIGHTING right? =)

Keeping it alive.

Like all you goofy and jumpy eighteen-year-olds out there, I have dreams.

A dream is not a dream if you can achieve it like chomping down a mouth-watering serving of Creamy Chicken Fusili from Pastamania. To keep dreams alive, you have to strive. Sometimes, you get judged. Other times, you get that extra boost or some really encouraging comments/help from awesome people. But that’s kinda rare, though.

So far, I’ve met my fair share of naysayers and awesome angels. I get mixed reactions from the people around me whenever I take another step towards my seemingly far-fetched ideals.

“You have so sense of humour and it’s so boring hanging out with you.”
“Nice attempt! Perhaps you might wanna try doing this…”
“You have no stamina, no endurance, no TALENT for anything…”
“Hey, your photos are nice. I like this one the most”
“Gimme your camera, I’ll take the photos instead.”
“You shouldn’t stand there lor, you blocking me.”
“Your English sucks and you can’t speak at all.”
You?! I can’t believe you joined dance.”
“You’re so cheena, I can’t stand it.”
“You can’t even follow the tempo!”
“So fat how to dance you tell me?”
“You’re super hilarious, Janine!”
“Jiayou, we’ll train together!”
“Your framing sucks, seriously.”
“You think you very pro meh?”
“Sure quit very soon one lor.”
“How did you take that?”
“Your shirt…it looks weird.”
“You have no dress sense.”
“Your photos look weird.”
“Your work is so sloppy.”
“You’re trying too hard.”
“You’re such a show-off!”
“KEEP FIGHTING!”
“Why you so ‘enthu’?!”
“Your hair is so ugly.”
“You suck.”

Surprised at the negative ones? Whether you put it into my face or behind my back, I’ll get to know about it somehow. But that’s okay. I can totally understand all that negativity and cynicism behind what you think or say. It’s either because I really suck at what I’m doing (and I’ll do my best to improve on that)…or you’re just plain _ _ _ _ _ _ _  about my feeble attempts at trying keep my dreams alive.

Feeble as they may be, at least I’m trying.

Thank you so much for those who often provide me with valuable feedback about stuff. You are a part of what’s been keeping my dreams alive, awesome angels. =)

I won’t say that I’m not affected by all the dismissive bits from you. Some are simply too blunt although they hold no bad intentions at all while some just wants to make themselves feel better by putting others down. But with every comment/reaction that I get, I reflect upon myself. It’s not easy trying to keep everything going and still face so much judgement from people around you. Heck, I don’t get my Mum’s approval on what I’m doing sometimes.

It’s an uphill task but hey, I think I’ll just KEEP FIGHTING because if I ever stop, I’m gonna roll down the silly mountain and end up being a loser with a big mouth. You don’t want that happening to you, right? =)

I feel like an adult.

Fine, I AM an adult by default now that I’m eighteen. But that’s not the point here.

My point is, there are more and more things coming up and I feel like I just cannot be answerable to every single soul out there for every decision I make in life, regardless of whether it’s for myself or otherwise. I’m slowly getting to know people, to learn how to network and to tell myself that I SHOULD NEVER APPEAR SHY LIKE AN EMO TEENAGER whenever I meet new people – young or old.

Because being an adult means you have to be professional and diplomatic while treating the meeting of new people and liaising with strangers like it’s the norm. Being a student is not an excuse for your unprofessionalism because this is the real deal you’re talking about.

Random: I’m not supposed to be here ranting about life at 4.13am but I just have to do so to get away from assignments for a while.

Okay. Nevermind about the random statement above. Being an adult is tiring. Communication through the Internet, by SMS or even through face-to-face conversations suddenly turns into some secondary school grammar/oral test. I am so not used to communicating so professionally, trying to avoid the use of any emotive words that may suggest any form of biasness.

Being too conscious all the time sometimes spoils all the fun and can become really tiring. I guess these are all stepping stones to becoming a full-fledged adult. =)

I still have not come to terms with the fact that I have reached an age where throwing tantrums and bullshitting is considered semi-illegal and will come back to haunt you, should you not be on your guard at all times.

Alright. I am too shagged to continue my rant here. I shall nap for a bit in the most unprofessional way imaginable and wake up to chiong through my assignments again.

KEEP FIGHTING! xD

PS: I keep spamming this ‘Keep Fighting’ term because I saw how cool SNSD was when they kept saying the ‘HWAITING!’ on all the Korean programmes etc. Yeah, you’re probably right – I’ve got no life.

URGH.

Okay. I take back my words.

Eveything is so screwed up right now.
Things are not working, I am not moving and life’s getting all fucked up.

Nice try, Janine. Life will continue to suck, trust me.

Is it going too fast?

For the past few weeks ever since school started, life has been going a little too ’smoothly’.

Not that I’m getting ‘A’s for my assignments or that I have been bestowed with some mega superpowers but I seem to be smiling and laughing out loud more often these days. I’ve been trying to shake off that teenager-emo-shit and get on with life as a young adult. Whenever I find myself getting all pissed and whatnot about anything at all, I tell myself that I shouldn’t be so mindful about silly stuff that only teenagers would find frustrating.

It works…MOST of the time. =)

This going-too-smoothly-thing is making me slightly worried. What if everything’s just a hoax and I still get all that negative nonsense running through my mind in the end? Man, this is so ironic. On one hand, you are glad that everything’s running smoothly but on the other hand, you get so uptight about all the things that are running too smoothly.

Arh, you see you see? Emo-shit coming again. =_=

It’ll be another one of those long, long days for me tomorrow. Shall head to bed now. Good night, people!

PS: Don’t be an emo-shit. =)

Protected: What pisses me off…

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A break.

Spent the whole of today with my right ankle elevated as much as possible. I am crippled for today – and perhaps the whole of the next few days. Sprained my ankle in the most unglamorous way you can think of. I can be such an idiot sometimes.

Missed out on today’s training. There’s dance training tomorrow. I wonder how am I going to go for it with a humongous bump on my ankle. I really want to be gung-ho about it and just ignore the pain and get on with life as per normal. But it really hurts like crap this time round. I can’t even walk around the house gracefully, so how am I gonna climb up the silly hill in Ngee Ann tomorrow for class and go for training?

Man, I seriously hope my ankles can be stronger and not get sprained so easily. I just sprained them a few weeks back and now it happened again. I keep spraining them every now and then. Be it the right one or the left one – they’ve been sprained for at least 5 times each on separate occasions throughout my life. I’m surprised that my legs are still ‘working’ after all that damage that has been done though.

I want to be very careful about where I put my foot onto. I want to take good care of my body and myself. But if I’m always deterred by caution for every step I take in life, wouldn’t everything become slightly too deliberate? Life’s great only because of the surprises you get unexpectedly along the way, right?

Okay, I know it’s kinda abrupt but I should get started on my WebD assignment now. See yall! =)

Protected: When Life starts to contradict itself…

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It’s the same thing.

At this point in our lives, there are some things that’ll remain the same wherever you go. Everyone’s perspective on everybody else seem to be based on the same kind of ‘criteria’. Sometimes, we feel so inadequate because of these ‘criteria’ that’ll cease to matter in 10, 20 or even 30 years down the road.

Yes, this is how naive we still are.

I don’t want to be too direct here. So, go figure. =)

Back from another camp!

My camp experience was almost deterred by some random ear infection that caught me by ’surprise’. Nevertheless, I could still stay on for the 3 days so HURRAY!!! Thank you so much to the seniors who were really concerned about my ear problem! I’m all better now! Yay! By the way, my body is aching like crap but I enjoyed myself so much! We did so many things that I never thought I would have done. Hahas! Like putting on FAKE EYE LASHES. Man, I wonder how other girls can tahan for so long with all the make up around their eyes. Like so itchy only. LOL!

Anyway, although I felt pretty lonely at first with only 9 people from A3 attending the camp (pangseh only!) but it got better as I got to know people from other classes eventually. We had some make up workshop, stretching workshop, station games, PHYSICAL TRAINING, dance practice, movie appreciation, bond night and our dance showcase. Physical training was kinda WOOTS! because it’s been SO LONG since I last jogged/ran. And I really liked the movie (Coach Carter) that was shown to us. It’s like during the last camp where they showed us another movie. Hahas! If a picture speaks a thousand words than a movie sure taught us so much more. =)

I was really glad to be allocated to my dance group (even though we never win haha) because they were a really fun bunch of people. Especially the guys. LOL! Had fun training with them even though I really felt like I was never gonna remember the steps and that I’m gonna screw up big time and pull the whole group down. In the end I REALLY FORGOT THE STEPS but oh well. It’s the process that we should be concerned about! I really like the dance our choreographers came up with. First time doing formations. Kinda lost at first (even though I stayed around the same spot throughout) but it was fun! LOL. So, yeah!

*hiak hiak*
(Thinking about the whole *hiak hiak* pose!)

I should really learn to be more disciplined about everything I’m doing in life. Being more punctual, responsible and less oblivious to everything that is happening around me. I like how they taught us not just dance but also how to ‘做人’. Because in life, there are so many things that we may be missing out sometimes.

Sighs. One more week before school starts all over again. It’s gonna be so crazy I swear. But aiya, just enjoy only lah. =P